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The Quest for Non-Fat Jeans

September 13, 2010

I’m beginning to get a complex.

It started with a couple of innocent comments from co-workers that my relaxed-fit jeans are a little too, well, relaxed. I’m not aided by the fact that, while I am a guy of size, I suffer from “no-ass-at-all” syndrome. So, baggy jeans don’t really work for me.

Funny thing is, the jeans I’ve been wearing of late had been hanging in my closet for at least six months, waiting for me to fit into them. I’d bought them to go with a shirt that wears like a tablecloth now. A 56-pound weight loss will do that to a guy.

But, seriously, I’ve only been wearing these jeans for a couple of weeks. And they’re already too big!

I went shopping for new jeans after work today. The jeans I’m looking to replace are 44 waist, 34 inseam. I got them at the big and tall shop. They’re actually pretty cool looking, except they’re made of a too-elastic denim made especially to fit guys of size. That’s the thing about big-and-tall jeans. Either they’re made of funky denim, they’re too baggy, or they’re made with an expandable waistband (perfect for wearing to the all-you-can-eat buffet).  I hate the expandable waist band. Nothing screams “fat pants” like a waist band that allows the wearer to grow into it.

By the way, I have a message for all people of size: More fabric does not hide your fatness. You can’t hide a bowling ball under a napkin, right? Same thing with your clothes. Everybody knows you’re in denial when you wear big, baggy clothes. Everybody.

So I go trolling the department stores looking for 42-waist, 34-inseam jeans. I hit four stores: Kohl’s, JC Penney, Belk and Dillards. I didn’t find a single pair in the size I was looking for. Conclusion: Either I’m some funky size that they don’t keep in stock because no one buys them, or I’m a popular size that everyone wears. I found 42/32s (too short) and 42/36s (too long), but not what I was looking for.

While I was at Dillards, I decided to test a theory I’ve developed about “big-and-tall” jeans. See, I think the makers of these jeans, even the name-brand guys like Levi’s and Polo, have lulled bigger guys like me into a false sense of security by labeling larger pants with smaller numbers. For example, maybe the jeans I’m trying to replace are REALLY size 46 jeans masquerading as 44s.

So, I tried on a pair of Daniel Cremieux 44/34s. Did you hear me? Daniel Cremieux jeans. These jeans are like the Holy Grail of big-dude jeans for me. Also, Danny appears to not make “big man” jeans, only “tall man” jeans.

When I put them on, the sky above opened up and angels began to sing. They fit perfectly. Not baggy, no hidden secret expanding waistband, real denim. Then, I looked at the price tag and my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. I loved the jeans, not that much.

Maybe they’ll go on sale.

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From → Fatness, Weight Loss

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